The Open Door of Compassion

By Will Dickerson-Lemieux, Guest writer

Content advisement: post discusses death by suicide

---

As a hospice chaplain, I generally expect death to come. While there is always grief, there can also be a sense of relief for the patient no longer suffering and passing through this human rite of passage that we all will inevitably go through.

Although we generally expect death, we don't expect it to be by the patient's own hand. One of my patients took his own life. I had only known him from one meeting. He was a gruff and independent older man, without any pretense, and direct with everyone around him that he was ready to die. I had a limited impression of him, but during our only visit, the day before he took his own life, he asked me to leave the door open so that the free-roaming cat in his building could come in and cuddle him.

This really struck me, because, literally and metaphorically, he asked that his door be open so that this easy and loving presence could accompany him. Thinking about this brought me to the word compassion.

As I have heard repeated in countless meditation retreats, the word compassion literally translates to, "with suffering" or "to be with suffering."

Despite our careful and well-intentioned efforts, compassion is not about fixing suffering. The core of compassion is the capacity to be "with suffering."

And that is hard. Because compassion isn't something we can forcibly handle or strategically deploy; like a medication, for instance. But at the same time, our capacity for compassion does have a big impact. It does "work," whether we see it or not. I think of it more like a posture, a way that we move through the world or hold ourselves up, rather than an outcome.

Outcomes are mostly outside of our control. Of course we can try to make things better, and we should. But at the center, our compassion is what allows us to do the work.

Although this patient's death was not how his family or his hospice care team wished it to be, I was grateful that he was held with compassion by his care team as well as his furry friend.

There is a quote I love from Lord of the Rings, where Frodo says to Gandalf, "I wish it need not have happened in my time," and Gandalf replies "So do I, and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

In my role, it is a privilege to spend my time practicing the art of compassionate care and attempting to embody a healing presence in the world. I imagine the same is true with the practice of Compassionate Listening. Whether we live to see the results of our posture of compassion, it is certainly a worthwhile way to spend the time that is given to us. Thank you for all you do and all the ways you do it with sincere care.

---

Will Dickerson-Lemieux, MDiv, BCC, is a board-certified hospice chaplain living in Springfield, Oregon with his wife Camille. Lay ordained in the Soto Zen Buddhist tradition, Will brings a contemplative approach to caregiving and interfaith spiritual support. He is also a songwriter and bandleader whose music reflects the spirit of care, presence, and delight he carries into his work.